crisp

It snowed last night–what I would consider our first real snow. Everything was lightly covered, enough to hide the grass. Although, it is just a little bit and will melt quickly under the afternoon sun.

Ocho and I got out early and hit the beach. When we arrived at the beach there were already so tracks of another early riser and his pooch. We spent about a half an hour quietly walking up and down the beach. Ocho loves to roll around in the snow and always seems perplexed by all the new smells, or perhaps the absence of all the old smells.

A few of his buddies arrived a little later and they were all in rare form as they celebrated their first snow. I could almost hear Ocho saying. “Hey look guys! All this white stuff is back. Hooray! Come run with me!”

These days I am finding great relief in physical experiences that rock me out of my overall sadness/slump/whatever you call it. Like walking outside and being punched in the cheeks by a below 30 degree wind. Running on the treadmill until it feels like my legs can’t go another step. Putting my body in a plank position and holding it until every muscle is screaming to relax.

I know other people medicate themselves either with anti-depressants or other substances or people, and I pass no judgment if that is what people need to do. However, for me, I need to feel everything I am feeling with the hopes that I’ll get through this time faster and more whole.

I continue to be physically healthy and am making conscious decisions to keep myself moving forward. Working, working out, taking Ocho to the dog beach, dinners with friends, therapy.

I feel like I am very much in limbo. There is much that needs to happen over the coming months, but I do not yet see the path. I’m not sure it’s even possible to see the whole path because I am not control of what’s coming next. A friend gave me the advice to take one step at a time and that is what I am trying to do.

When I look back on this time in my life, I am banking on what I hope is this realistic thought, “That was such a hard time, but as I look back on it, it really did go quickly. And I made it through.”

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